RuMbLe jUmBLE...

assalamualaikum...
warning: this is a very emotional yet confusing together with boring post...just something in my head and heart  that I want to let out...

I've been really stressed out recently...This last couple of days, my feelings are all mixed up. I am excited, scared, worried, happy...some nights I just don't know anymore (ok, now, i'm just quoting a song, is it correct, though?).

I'd already been called to report duty on 22nd July. I still not be able to complete my lab work. I need to travel to and fro (Tganu-Penang) possibly every weekend to do my lab work. Yes, it is my own fault that I worked too slow and not to mention my limited capabilities to understand the subject. Oh, well.

Then again, I don't know whether I should just move alone to Tganu or bring my Umar together with my parents until I've done completing my lab work or my husband finally transfer to Tganu. The problems are Tganu is far from Ipoh, not like Penang, and if I came back, I'll be in Penang, not Ipoh. How am I supposed to see my Umar? I don't want to troubled my parents to bring Umar to Penang every week, and what if I got busy and can't go back?

If I move to Tganu with Umar, my parents had to tag along. I know they are more than willing to take care of my son and myself, but still, it can be burdensome to them. Their home, basically their whole life is in Ipoh. My lil bro wouldn't want to go back to Tganu during his holiday, and I understand that, of course.

Searching rented house in Tganu also bring me headache. There's so many house owners prefer to make their house as a homestay and others rent it to students. Yes, they can gain more profits by doing that. The houses that I like, on the other hand, costs around rm1000/month. Definitely out of our budget. It's crazy.

Earlier this morning, I received good news. Alhamdulillah, even though I didn't went to it last two months, I am still gifted with the other opportunity. I know I can't go, but still it's a good news. But, I started to waver again. Whenever I received this kind of news, I will start wavering. I wonder if it is a sign from Allah or it is just another hiccups. I am totally over it the last time it came. But now, I began to ponder...again, for maybe the fourth time...

AdUHaI QiEra....

tak boleh pun kena boleh jugak...

tak kuat pun kena kuat jugak...

tak sempat pun kena sempat jugak...

tak yakin pun kena yakin jugak...

tAK SemPat....

Tension

Marah

Kecewa

Salah sendiri

#*co$#@achpra*()%$^dag#*%uccijim+*#$%myc*&%#$hoo$#*@$!!!!

MonOLoG DaLAman...

Anonymous 1: U know Syakirah, there will be many vacancies for PZM since they want to place PZM for each district. U should try to apply for the job..
Me: It's ok Miss Anonymous 1, I think I'll just stick to my plan to be a lecturer, further my Master Degree, then PhD bla,bla,bla....

Dearest Ma and Abah: Pikir betui2 nak ambik Master ni, boleh ke, nanti dah kawin semua, kot dapat anak awal, boleh kamu buat?boleh habiskan...kitaorang tak kisah,kitaorang support je ape keputusan kamu...pikir elok2...
Me:Ok kot...boleh.jangan riso...Ya cube buat betui2...kalau dh kawen and de anak pun, boleh je nk teruskan kn... (muka confident)

Abah: Ya, ni ada surat untuk kamu...surat tawaran jadi PTD...kamu nak ke?pikir la dulu...
Me: Tak nak la..kan ke Ya nk jd lecturer...tak nak la jd PTD.tak sesuai kot...

Hubby: Kalau jd cikgu kan senang, boleh cuti masa cuti sekolah...boleh try minta tukar duk skali...takde la satu tempat je boleh kerja...
Me: Abang, kan Sayang dh cakap, sayang memang minat nk ngaja, tapi sayang tak nak jadi cikgu, so, kena la jd lecturer kn...(try buat muka cute)

What in the world that I'm thinking????????

AlaSAN kENAPa saYA taK mau JADi CikgU...

Like I mentioned in my fb, this post specially dedicated to Nenie Nuur, if ur not her, don't bother, boleh je baca...

Kepada pembaca blog ni, ecece...macam ramai pun, perasan tak posts kebelakangan ni tetiba banyak plak strikethrough, haha...I just figured out camne nk upgrade n buat benda alah ni...buta IT sungguh...well, better late than never...ok, selingan.

Dari dulu lagi bila ada orang cakap "ko jadi la cikgu", "u sesuai pe jd cikgu", "sayang jadi cikgu je la"...(ok yang ni hubby I la cakap kn, suspicious plak nanti..hehe)....

Then, saya will go like "tak mau...tak nk jd cikgu", "hehe,ye ke,takmo la"...

The truth is I have some unpleasant experience dengan some CIKGU...don't get me wrong, saya sanjung dan hargai semua cikgu saya...tanpa mereka siapalah saya...my mother in law, sister in law and hubby, uncle, auntie, friends pun cikgu gak...

Berbalik kepada pengalaman tak berapa best tu, dulu pernah seorang cikgu refer my senior as stu**d macam l**bu, come on, mana boleh sama kn manusia dengan haiwan...that's not fair...never...

As I grew up, ecece...yup,i'm no angel...biasela budak2, nakal sket kn...as a budak nakal sket, ada la some cikgu yang nk mendekati, memahami...i appreciate that...really, however, seorang cikgu telah berpura untuk menjadi listener yg baik dan will keep our secret, then, suddenly, the next day, bang, the whole bilik guru tahu apa yang saya beritahu cikgu tersebut...ouchhh...that's hurt...saya tak percaya lagi untuk berkongsi rasa dengan seorang cikgu from that day...i'm hurt...deep

Some cikgu sometimes like...oh, you're cute, you're my fav student...hmm, you're the most clever in the class, you're my fav student...wow, your dad is someone, you're my fav student...double standard...and the most painful is when your fav student did something wrong, together with your less fav student, u treat them differently...yup, your fav student get to see the school counselor, and the other get rotan kat tapak tangan...ouchh...tak sakit...tak sakit

Bila student nakal atau buat cikgu sakit hati, adakah cikgu patut cakap "saya tak halalkan apa yang saya ajar...awak tengok la result ***** spm awak nanti..." rather than cuba nasihatkan student tu dan bantu dia sampai dia sedar yang dia tak sepatutnya berkelakuan macam tu...ok, ni bukan cikgu yang ajar saya pun..tapi ajar kelas sebelah2 kot...hehe

Well I guess nobody's perfect...everyone make mistakes...

Ramai cikgu yang baik dan adil...and they touched my heart with their sincerity and concern...bukan cikgu sekolah je, cikgu tuisyen pun sama...love u all...thank you so much...

Dan kepada yang masih bergelar student (saya pun), jangan sampai cikgu anda marah dan buat sumpahan macam kat atas tu...believe me..my ***** spm result...the worst among all subjects...now that's personal experience...

I miss my teachers...Puan Noorhizan from SK Sungai Rokam *yup, dia sayang saya..hahaha*, Madam Soh (if i'm not mistaken) from U-reka English Tuition Centre, Cikgu Salbiah from SMKGR (maaf cikgu, kami satu kelas tak berniat buat cikgu sedih dan nangis), my English teacher from Pusat Tuisyen Ipoh Jaya (i forget your name but i can still remember you teach me the word 'despite'), my Sejarah teacher from Pusat Tuisyen Sri Ampang *ye ke ni nama pusat tuisyen tu?* (cikgu perempuan ni ada tahi lalat kat area dagu,pakai cermin mata, sangat lembut dan sabar mengajar kami yang tak pernah serius dalam kelas tuisyen...), cikgu matematik dari pusat tuisyen yang sama *the only reason I like Math because the way you teach it seems like it is sooo easy*, Cikgu Hasran from MRSMJ (thanks sebab betulkan sebutan saya...Encik Buchanan...hehe), .... Cikgu Onizuka from GTO...hehehe (if only ada cikgu yang macam ni + higher IQ lah...)

This could go on and on and on....and on....

Tapi ada satu mistake yang seorang cikgu buat...my Geography teacher back in SMKGR...thanks sebab tersalah key in gred geografi Tingkatan 1 saya...from A or B (not sure) to D...pheww...then tak boleh tukar because dah official kan...but seriously, thank you...it gave me the chance to experience the best of lower form year...with kelas Tingkatan 2 Murni...no doubt...I love 2M...Thanx Cikgu K...

Ok Kak Neny...I guess that's all...hehehe

EMo...

saya tak pernah belajar or pergi ke luar negara...

saya tak pandai bergaya and so not uptodate...

saya tak minat nak iklankan ape2...

saya tak ada idea yang menarik...

saya tak tahu banyak general knowledge...

yup, my blog is boring because I am not interesting...

but then again, who cares...?

i will continue blogging...

(^_^)

LoSiNG iT...

There's so many things i want to share in my blog...

I even had some of it written in my notebook....

And in my mind too...

But i just don't feel like posting it...

Why is this happening?...

Am I losing my interest to continue blogging?...

I hope not...

ALHAMDULILLAH....

Semasa saya asyik mengeluh dan bersedih...

saya terlupa...

bahawa saya sebenarnya cukup2 bertuah...

punya suami, anak, parents, family dan sahabat2 yang sangat menyayangi saya dan very supportive...

punya kerja yang baik, gaji, scholarship lagi...

cukup makan, pakai, boleh tambah simpanan pula tu...

maafkan aku Ya Allah...

aku lalai dan lupa untuk mensyukuri segala nikmat yang Kau berikan...

Alhamdulillah atas segalanya...

Thank You Allah...